My Marriage Win

Last week I asked the question, “What is the ‘win’?” in your marriage and for your family.

This week I would like to build on that question by presenting what the “win” looks like for me in my marriage. If you have not read last week’s post, doing so before reading further will help place what follows in its proper context – that of being intentional in our marriages and our families.

For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. (Gen 2:24, NIV)

The win in my marriage has two aspects. The first aspect of my win is that we become one. This is so much more than a one-time event. The moment we trust Christ for our salvation, we are saved, but our salvation does not stop there. We continue to work out (or grow in) our salvation as we walk daily with Him, finally realizing the fullness of our salvation when we transition from this life to the next.

Much like our salvation in Christ, becoming one with our wives is a lifelong event. Sure, it begins at a point when we stand before God and make a promise to become and remain one. However, our “becoming one” cannot stop there. We must continue to grow together as one as we walk with one another, finally coming to our full potential as one at some future point that can only be realized after decades together. In other words, the oneness I experience with my wife today is greater than that of a year ago, which was greater than that of ten years ago.

When we moved to Mobile this past year, God blessed us with a beautifully landscaped yard. My wife and I truly enjoy working together tending to our little corner of creation. Saturday evening we were trimming the shrubs in our front yard. As we trimmed on one and then the next shrub we noticed that several of the shrubs were actually two different varieties of plants that had grown together. From the street, the shrub appears to be one plant, but if you were to inspect the shrub more closely, you realize there are two different shapes of leaves and limbs intermingled into one shrub. Over time these two plants have so grown into one bush that to separate them would cause irreparable damage to both and destroy the beauty of what together they have become.

If you will permit me to extend my illustration a little further, both our roots and our limbs must grow together. We must be close in physical proximity, rooted in the same soil, being nourished by the same water and nutrients, and growing into the same purpose. The soil into which we extend our roots is the salvation in Christ that I mentioned above. We are nourished and fed by Him through his Word, his Spirit, and his Church. We grow together into the purpose He has for us. To summarize this oneness that we grow into, we grow in oneness physically, spiritually, and missionally.

Some may argue that we should not “lose” our own individual identities as we get married. I say why not? Why am I concerned to maintain my own anything? If I have died to myself then my identity is in Christ and what He has for me. If I am following after Christ, I give up my claim to my right to myself. I no longer live but Christ lives in me. Nowhere is this truer than in our marriages. If we are clinging to anything that is our own then we will never truly become one. Perhaps apprehensions for losing oneself in marriage are rooted in concerns that it may not “work out.” We each have a part in making marriage work out, and by preparing for “just in case,” we may be precipitating the very thing for which we are preparing.

I am not only okay with, but grateful for the fact that I am different today and that the difference is so significant that you cannot speak of me without speaking of my marriage. I am no longer who I was and what we are today is so much greater than what I might ever have been otherwise. I am not concerned with any individual achievements in my life. I recognize that I did not serve our nation in the military, but we served our nation. I recognize that I have not achieved anything academically, but that we have. I recognize that I am not in the ministry, but we are in the ministry. And I would have it no other way.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. (Eph 5:25-27, NIV)

The second aspect of my win is that my wife becomes holy and blameless. I recognize that Paul was referring to Christ and the church in this phrase, but I also recognize that the context in which he was using this phrase was instructions on marriage. If my greatest goal for my wife is her sanctification, is there any way that I can go wrong in my marriage?

Husband, you will give an account for the spiritual maturity of your wife. No, we do not change her heart. Only the Holy Spirit does that work. But, as the spiritual leader of the home, you set the conditions for this to occur. We lead by example, empowered by His Spirit, fueled by prayer, fed by His Word, and driven to action. Perhaps I may develop these on a future post, but for now it suffices to say that our win should include the spiritual state of our wives.

So my win is that we are growing together as one and my wife is growing in her sanctification, which begs the question, what are my keys to victory? Again, these may be developed in a future post, but here are a few thoughts.

First, I have to walk with Jesus daily through spending time with Him, prayer, and reading the Word. I cannot lead where I am not going. I cannot love as Christ loved if his love is not being manifested in me. I cannot serve as Christ served without daily surrendering my will to his will.

Second, I must pursue my wife. This means I study her so that I may grow in my understanding of her. I must remind my wife constantly of my love for her. I must demonstrate that love through regular acts of service. Pursuing my wife means I prioritize setting aside time for her. It means that I continue to date my wife and do the things I did that demonstrated my love for her in those early days.

Third, I must have a vision of what a spiritually mature version of my wife looks like and have a plan to get there. It means at times I must watch the kids one morning or evening every week so that she can attend a Bible study or accountability group. It means praying with my wife and praying for my wife. It means engaging in spiritual conversations. It means prioritizing involvement in church for us and our family.

So how about you? Have you defined your win in marriage? What are you doing to get there? In the meantime, have you…

1. Told your wife today that you love her?

2. Demonstrated that love through some act of service?

3. Prayed for your wife today?

4. Prayed with your wife today?

5. Helped her today in some way in her spiritual walk?